Depression; My Suicide Story

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The month of July wasn’t a good month for me in general. From relationships, mentally, socially. I practically lost touch with basically everything to the point I almost called it quit on LIFE. Thank God, I have those who truly love me for me. I think the best line to use in describing it is “Depression took its toll on me”. Mental health is something not to be ignored on any ground.

I remembered after the night I almost called it quit, babe kept calling to check up on me and there was this one time, she jokingly mentioned “Ogbeni, don’t let that thing called depression get to you again, it’s for the whites,  we are blacks and strong to fight anything. I don’t know where you want to escape to”. I couldn’t laugh. Sincerely, that sounded out of touch, but in a way seemed true; we are Africans, we fight through any Damn thing… But maybe that’s a lie. Maybe not matters of the mind. Not withstanding, depression in Nigeria is not much talked about in fact mental health as a whole. Suicide and depression are so closely tied, it takes the grace of God not to think about suicide when feeling depressed.

It’s a blessing to know you’ve really got people who are there for you in any given situation. Yea, much thanks for my best friend and babe… Wonderful pair of folks in my life. Seems, I’m going to fast, well here’s a brief in to my  pre-suicide.

I started having a feeling, there’s nothing more in the world, I lost every drive to live, faked every conversation with people, classmates and friends in general. In fact I’d been nursing the feeling for about 3 weeks or a month there about. About the same time Chester Bennington from Linkin Park committed suicide. I felt like, I wished I could feel what he felt afterwards killing himself, the satisfaction. I didn’t know how I felt in particular, I was so lost till a female friend mentioned to me I was beginning to speak like one about to call it quit on life.

Then I knew deep in my heart; Yes! Exactly! That’s what I feel just couldn’t figure it out.

Depression kills. Although, I didn’t do anything in particular,  just had the strong will, so I had to let my best friend know. Then opened up to babe few minutes later… Ever since that time, I saw life in a new light. I felt like pushing more, like I could conquer whatever it is in life.

Depression isn’t about the suicide, it’s about the faked smiles,

2 comments

  1. Just keep fighting! I hope that this heavy feeling will leave you and leave you soon. You still have so much potential, it must not go to waste, eaten by suicide. I pray you’ll be surrounded by positive people whose lives would encourage you to keep going on, people that will speak life to you

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